@simoncholland When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
@flashember [job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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@simoncholland 
@BBrains26 If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
@karanbirtinna Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
@Dawn_M_ Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
@Social_Mime I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
@MNateShyamalan Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
@daemonic3 throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
@Darlainky Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
@bigmacher Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
@MelvinofYork Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.