@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

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@clitneysmears

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

@BobTheSuit

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

@Jermaine1st

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@HEF_LGA

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

@devonellis_

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

@ComedyCentral

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge