[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what