I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge