@clitneysmears I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
@flashember [job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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@clitneysmears 
@MaximumEfficacy What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
@Maxine12333 There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
@BobTheSuit [Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
@Jermaine1st I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
@usedwigs The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
@HEF_LGA My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
@devonellis_ Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
@BrianIncognito My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
@ComedyCentral “If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge