@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

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@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@BBrains26

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

@Social_Mime

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

@MNateShyamalan

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

@daemonic3

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

@Darlainky

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

@bigmacher

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

@MelvinofYork

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.