*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?


Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”


me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?


there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry


Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.


“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”