[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.