[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.