[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
#oldknees
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.