[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant