[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
cat vs inanimate object
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?