[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.