@ginnyhogan_ “Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
@OllyiConic [job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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@ginnyhogan_ 
@NourHadidi The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
@LackOfShame I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
@girlontapas Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
@onion_an Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
@Marlebean Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
@AimeeHelene1 *husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@bourgeoisalien I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
@HomeWithPeanut Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
@bornmiserable ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here