<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
#oldknees
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.