[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Goat cheese is for herders.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*