[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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I found your tweet-up…
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
me refusing to leave twitter
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk