[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*