[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

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[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.


To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.


wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.


To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.


You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.


“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo


ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u