@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

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@Rollinintheseat

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@DurtMcHurtt

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

@LostFelicia

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

@RiotGrlErin

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@HousewifeOfHell

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u