[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Good advice.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?