[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I might carry a baby with one hand.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.