@DirtMcTurd God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
@maxverygoodboy [Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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@DirtMcTurd 
@raoulvilla *being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
@JasonLastname *stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
@squirrel74wkgn I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
@thegoodgodabove 
@CYComedy This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
@OBiiieeee *my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
@huntigula Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
@XplodingUnicorn I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
@PaperWash Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.