@maxverygoodboy

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

You Might Also Like

@DirtMcTurd

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

@raoulvilla

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.