[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Thursday
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*