[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
so weird how every mom was born today
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”