[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
lmfao come on
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
same bro
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
kitchen magnet
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.