[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
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The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*frowns in Scottish*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
True
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said