[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]