*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.