[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked