(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.