[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

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“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]


Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.


Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”


My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”


hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are


Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.


What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?


Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?