[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.