[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Need WebMD
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue