[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”