[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!