[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Ain’t no way
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy