[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
? 💀
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”