[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
…żyje?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Beware of fowl play.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”