*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”