[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago