*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The best shot in the history of golf
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Pat is about to own someone
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.