[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
No. He’s not coming out to play
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.