*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Happy Taco Tuesday
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You deplete me
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…