[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
how to have fun when you’re poor
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.