Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Fiction has to make sense.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent