JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Alexa: *deep breath*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.