Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Received some very disappointing news today