Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
3% human
97% stress
Fight
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school