JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day