Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My life in a nutshell
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When libraries troll their patrons.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.