“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg