*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.


parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are


The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.


Body: I’m sooooooo tired



God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha


My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.


If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?


No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.