*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Sharon I have some bad news
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?