@wildethingy [revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
@maxverygoodboy *Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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@wildethingy 
@OldMemeArchive 
@GrantTanaka parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
@_kayditty The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
@SemFitty Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
@GABBYdaAngSaya God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
@Ygrene Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
@BuckyIsotope My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
@TheBoydP If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
@dumbbeezie No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.