@maxverygoodboy

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

You Might Also Like

@wildethingy

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

@GrantTanaka

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

@_kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@SemFitty

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

@GABBYdaAngSaya

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.