@TopherKearby Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
@maxverygoodboy *Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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@TopherKearby 
@OhNoSheTwitnt Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
@MrGeorgeWallace I just love that new Pope smell.
@Ty_Schutz Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
@david8hughes Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
@inturnaround I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
@MicheleAKALips My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
@Brampersandon_ [White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
@LizHackett On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
@TheHatStore [about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer