Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: