Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever