Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?