*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.