Jogging has never helped my memory.

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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.


I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.


9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*


Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.


Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks


I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.


It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.