Jogging has never helped my memory.

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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”


can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way


Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.


The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….



Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.


Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.


All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.


Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.