@Ameiam

Jogging has never helped my memory.

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@Annekinns

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

@kelkulus

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@AubriePesky

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

@SladeWentworth

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.