@Ameiam

Jogging has never helped my memory.

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@Cheeseboy22

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

@RoxyTall

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

@_wangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

@No_tact_here

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

@UNDEADTRESOR

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

@shanethevein

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

@GreenishDuck

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.