[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy